Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
