apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
