dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
