Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
