I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
