I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
