i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
