we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
