this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
