I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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