I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
