I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
