She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
