We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
