mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
