I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
