naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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