It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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