my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
