allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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