She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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