OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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