so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
