If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
