Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
