I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
