I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i will never coherently bang her
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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