when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
