So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
