The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
