So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
someone owes me an orgasm
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
