Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
sarcasm needs its own font
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
