Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My ATM looks so different sober.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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