Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
