Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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