Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.