jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
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you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
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Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.