When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
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This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF