Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
