I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
