your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
