I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
