Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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