As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
