I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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