I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
