everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
