when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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