I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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