Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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