My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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