How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
