Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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