She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
