You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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