Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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