sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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