wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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