she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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