This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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