i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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