Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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