I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
