i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
