bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
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That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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