hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I can't put those talents on a resume
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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